Diamonds are forever.

Since I came back from my very long lasting vacation, I've been stressing around like a lunatic. I've had countless of nights without any sleep at all. I've literally been started to think of the thought of having sex with my student literature as something natural. I mean, the only thing I'm close to these days are my books so why should that thought be so scary? God, I am a true materialist...

Anyway... It appeared to me that we're only weeks away from 2012 and I haven't been writing any values yet! But one goal that I want to achieve is to finish my C-grade essay before 2012 is over. I am an expert of seing things that needs do be fixed in my home when I study, so I've been thinking of packing my bags and go to our summer crib in Turkey for two months next autumn and write on my essay. How artistic wouldn't that be? Far away from "the real world" and the only company would be a cup of coffee, a see view from the balcony and the silence.

Silence... I love silence. As much as I enjoy the city life in Istanbul and Gothenburg, I also got a inevitable obsession for silence sometimes. And to be honest, I mostly prefer my own company rather than being surrounded by people (as long as they're not interesting, and as long as not I'm drunk). Silence to me means alot of things; it makes me think of life in general and it makes me calm and satisfied. It touches my soul like a trustful hand. I see things I usually shouldn't have been observing; the leaves on the tree, the sound of the waves hitting the blocks under a mountain, the feeling of hot sand burning between my toes and how the clouds in the sky moves to something that looks like eternity. In such situations, I always feel like I'm the most interesting person, being in the most interesting place in the world. I feel how my artistic vein leads me to my pencil. In situations like that, I've always been created art. Words of art. The only thing I was born to do. And I do it damn good...

The lack of passion in my life doesn't really disturb me that much, but I can't go on without mentioning it. If I should have been a true member of Freud's psychoanalysis, I would probably have commited suicide a long time ago, but once again; I'm quite pleased with being alone. Especially now when I'm in a chapter of my life where every move can affect my future. I can't let anyone or anything destroy my plans now. I've come too far.

A couple of years ago when I had a lecture in marketing, our lecturer shared the most unexpected, but at the same time one of the most brilliant comparsion about how you should solve problems at your work when you can't see any other way out of the situation. He said "If you're about to realize that the whole deal is crashing you should ALWAYS sleep with your enemies". Love that line! It is maybe the only thing I remember (except for Kotler's 4 P's) from that lecture. I was one of the persons who laughed out loud and thought he was trying to be funny (which he was), but years later I started to realize the underlying message of his comparsion; It is a fact that we're going to find ourselves in situations where we're forced to be in the same room with people we don't like. They know that we don't like them, and that's the beginning of a silent hostility. The reason why I put this story on my agenda is very simple;

One of my primary value for 2012 is to "sleep with my enemies" instead of stabbing them in their back. You see, to get somewhere you need to be tactic. You need to be aware of your weaknesses and your strengths, so you can use them in a strategic way for your own purposes. This is the real world, sadly but an inevitable truth if you're like me, very obsessed with the thought of growing. You need to pick your fights and learn how to leave unpleasant situations with the Oscar in your hand. I don't know about you guys, but I truly deserve the Oscar by just playing myself. I see myself as a diamond in the rough; I just need some tiiiiny tiny adjustments.

And if that means that we all have to "sleep with our enemies", that's fine by me. 2012 will be the year of progressing. Write that fact down on your paper!

And hey...
The jewellers may not pay you as much as they do for gold, but do you know what they say about diamonds?

That diamonds are forever...

CYA.

Hesap, lutfen.

Bazen kendimi eve kapatip duvarlarimi pembe'ye boyamak istiyorum. Depo da ki oyuncaklarimi cikartip hayal dunyami kurmak geliyor icimden. Tum kötuluklerden uzak olup sadece herseyi istedigim gibi görmek, herkese uzak sadece kendime yakin olmak istiyorum.

Zor bir dönem geciriyorum. Yani dayanilmiyacak kadar degil ama beni bir sekilde etkiliyecek kadar. Insanlari görmekten, tanimaktan biktim. Gercek yuzleri herzaman ki gibi migdemi bulandiriyor. Nefretle onlari izlerken hayatin nekadar acimasiz oldugunu tekrar anlamis oluyorum. Neden böyle oldular? Niye karsinda ki insani yaralamaktan zevk aliyorlar? What's your fckn problem, dude?!

Ben karsimda ki insani kirmamak icin, ona saygi göstermek icin, onu degerli hissetirmek icin ugrasirim hep. Bugune kadar karsimda ki insana ilk kötulugu ben yaptigimi hatirlamiyorum dogrusu. Ama haksizliga ugradigim zaman iki katini yaparim o ayri. Icimde inanilmaz bir kin besliyorum o insanlara karsi. Nerde vursam diye yol gözluyorum. Bana yapilanlari unutmam hic bir zaman. Er gec hesaplasirim. Kac yil gecerse gecsin o kin herzaman bir kenarda durup eskileri hatirlatir. Guvenemem o insana bir daha.

Su an ayni durumu yasiyorum. Okulda bir hocayla tatsiz bir durum yasandi. Daha dogrusu beni sinifin icinde asagilamaya calisti. Oturup dusundum. Onu hakli cikarmaya calistim. Yaptiklarinda mantikli bir aciklama aradim. Ama bulamadim. Ve su an müdürler, benim bölümümde ki hocalar ve bir cok kisi daha bu durumla ilgilenip o onu ayagima getirip benim istegimi karsilayip sinifin ortasinda özur diletmek icin calisiyorlar. Bu senaryoyu görmek icin dunyalari verirdim. Karsimda kucuk dusmesi, herkesin icinde yuzunu kizartip benden özur dilemesi su an en buyuk hedeflerimden biri. Cevabim hazir bekliyorum. Cok bomba olucak.

Kavga ve tartismadan mumkun oldukca uzak durmaya calisirim hep, ama maalesef ortam gerizekali insanlarla dolu ve bunlar bazen boyundan buyuk islere kalkismaya calisinca biri bunlarin nerde durcaklarini hatirlatmali. Hic bir zaman kendimi ezdirtmem bana yanlis yapmayanlari da ezmem, ama oldu ki karsima biri cikip da benim kisiligime, bana olmadik yerde hakaret ediyor; bende (benden cok daha degersiz, ve gereksiz olmadigi sure, yoksa onunla konusmak bile kendime hakaret olur) onun anliyacagi dilden konusurum.

Bunu bana yapan hoca 100% degil 110% vakit ayircaksiniz okula demisti. Kusura bakma ama biz devletten 100% icin "maas" aliyoruz. Ama madem 110% diyorsun; 100% okula ayircam geri kalan 10'u da seni okuldan attirmak icin ugrasicam! Loser...

Show must go on

Yarin ayni ucakla geldigim gibi ait oldugum yere dönuyorum. Valizimi son kez kontrol edip birsey unutmadigima emin olmak istiyorum; hayalkirikligi (evet), bosluk (evet), caaresizlik (evet) geriye kalan ask kirintilar (evet)... Hic birsey unutmamissim. Tamamdir. Hadi bakalim dönelim isvecimize. Dönelim de su geri kalan 1.5 seneyi kazasiz belasiz bitirelim bakalim. Hayatta bazi seyler istedigin gibi olmuyormus. Bunu cok iyi ögrendim. Vazgecilmezlerim var diyordum, ama hayat bazen seni öyle bir vaz gectirir ki, seni öyle yari yolda birakir ki hayretle zaman zaman ne kadar aciz oldugunu anlamis oluyorsun. Sabahin körunde ailemin yanina aglayarak kacan ben degilim, de baskasiymis gibi. Sevip de sevdiklerime sahip cikamiyan kisi ben degilmissim gibi. Elimden baska birsey gelmedigini anlayip yenildigimi kabul etmek zorunda kalan ben degil de baskasiymis gibi... Ben aslinda hic bitmesini istememistim. Ama ask kirintisi ile doymaktansa... gerisini siz biliyorsunuz zaten. Hadi beraber bagira bagira icimizde ki yükü atalim. Hadi sabaha kadar icip bos bos konusalim. Dans edelim, dusup tekrar kalkalim. Kusalim. Biraz daha icelim. Deli gibi seviselim. Herseyi bir an icin bos verip icimizden ne geliyorsa onu yapalim.

Ben coktan yolumu cizdim. Ne isteyip ne istemedigimi cok iyi biliyorum. Dusmeden yoluma devam edicem. Ne olursa olsun hayat devam ediyor. Etmek zorunda zaten. Kaybetmeyi sevmem, ama kaybetmeden kazanmanin zevkini anliyamazsin ya... Hic birsey icin pisman degilim. Iyiki onu tanidim, iyiki bagzi seyler yasandi. Iyiki sevgiyi, aski bana hatirlatan kisi o oldu. Maalesef sartlar bizi yendi ama en azindan icimde "keske söyle ya da böyle yapsaydim" gibi dusunceler olmuyacak. Cunku ikimiz de elimizden gelen herseyi yaptik.

Umarim baska sartlarda tekrar karsilasiriz. Önumuzde asamiyacagimiz engeller olmayinca tekrar göz göze gelip "ee askim, nerde kalmistik?" diyip biraktigimiz yerden devam ederiz.

Seni hic unutmam, unutamam. Iyiki vardin.

Keske.......