Sizin icin

Dear readers. Denise's speaking here. Some of my friends asked me several times what this link leads to. Some of you already figured out that this is my own personal blog were I write about my feelings and reflections while some of you wondered why I publish a picture of a half naked woman with a guitar between her legs, on Facebook. A few of you asked why I don't write in turkish but the truth is that my writing skills in turkish is quite limited compared to english and swedish. So I've decided to write in english sometimes (even if my english isn't flawless, haha).

Almost a week has passed since I got back to Sweden. The minute I came out from the airport and felt the cold wind, and observed several people in autumn jackets I just wanted to run right back into the aircraft and beg on my knees to take me back to Turkey again. And just for a while I visualized the scenario and smiled for a second. That would be so typically me to actually do that, but then I realized that I have important assignments to commit before I can even think about going back there again. So I took my bags and went to the bus with heavy steps...

And yes, It is heavy carrying around on a visual stone inside my body. Sometimes it gets so heavy that I need to sit down and catch my breath. Have you ever missed someone so much that the pain takes over your whole body? So much that you feel emotionally paralyzed after hours of uncontrolled crying? I have. I feel that everytime I have to leave my mum, dad and grandma. And my closest and dearest ofcourse. All of this crying is the sum of my love and care for them. My frustration over not being able to spend that much time with them that I would like to do. The sum of helplessly watching time passing thrue my fingers like sand...

Sometimes I get so frustrated over the fact that I can't compete with time. I am afraid of losing the ones I love and I guess most of my fear depends on my father who had a heartatache last spring. After that nightmare I've found myself respecting life and its unpredictability more than I've ever did before. I've found myself praying for my closest, wishing them health and happiness. And finally I prayed for myself to finish my studies without any problems so I can pack my bags and go back to the place where I belong; close to my family and my beloved Turkey. I don't wanna waste more time here anymore. I want to spend the rest of my time close to my family.

So therefore I will let out the last tears and wait for them to dry. I will turn off my feelings and do what is expected of me. But sometimes, when nobody can see or hear me, behind the four walls of my loneliness, I will miss you without anyone noticing. And I will pick up my memories from my visual museum to constantly remind myself that all this could be my again.

Wait for me...